1. Is Overtly Patriotic
We discussed this already last month, but the number of
American flags within a white person’s vicinity has a direct correlation to the number of times they’ve referred to Hardee’s as “nigger Burger King.”
2. Drives a Pickup Truck
Ironically, I love pickup trucks. I have daydreams about driving cross-country to Arizona with nothing but a Ford F-150, a pack of sandwiches and a faithful dog named Gander. With Gander by my side, we’d get into adventures, solve mysteries and drink whiskey with women named after geographical locations. I haven’t told my wife about this fantasy yet, but she might read this eventually. So, um, surprise!
3. Wears Any Sort of Camo
I don’t know why (some) white people are so obsessed with camouflage. They still make up, like, 70 percent of the country. If they want to blend in so badly, they can just name themselves “Mike” and just ... get a job somewhere.
4. Loves Dogs
Look, I know dog lovers are generally good people, and usually better people than cat people. But if I check your Facebook or Twitter profile and your avatar is a dog, I’m, like,
60 percent certain you’ve trained that dog to bite darkies.
5. Loves Sports but Hates the NBA
I’m not saying that everyone who hates the NBA is racist. But every racist definitely, absolutely hates the NBA.
6. Hunts
YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME, JAKE; I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE “HUNTING” POSSUM, BUT
YOU’RE REALLY PRACTICING FOR A RACE WAR.
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