You down wit OPP? Yeah you know me... You down wit OPP? Yeah you know me. Who's down wit OPP? Every last homie...
One star if you're stone cold sober, five if you're plumb blitzed off your boobs. So, for the sake of peace and goodwill amongst men, we'll give it three. After all OPP is really in the eye of the inmate... ya heard me?
For all intents and purposes it's fairly difficult for a clean cut law abiding tourist to get arrested in The City That Care Forgot. I, however, managed to pull it off on one fateful Devil's night.
Let me give you a Travelosity style overview. No need for reservations in New Orleans finest establishment. Management will probably find you and offer you a room rather surprisingly and without any deal shopping on your part. That's just how they roll. They will approach you and present you with a welcoming gift, usually a fine piece of jewelery, wristware I believe.
They provide limo service for your convenience with a rather large fleet of vehicles to accommodate your stay most efficiently.
They treat you like a celebrity from the git go. An entourage of escorts, a full on photo shoot and fingerprinting, all inclusive. They even provide complimentary bathrobes. Don't mind the large "inmate" printed on the back. That's just their special word for "guest".
Activities start from the very beginning. My favorite was, what they call, the body cavity search. Sounds quirky, I know. It takes a little more coordination than you might be used to for a group exercise, but hang in there, you'll get it. Don't stress out about terms like "bend over and spread your cheeks" or " lift your nut sack and cough." They just use those to validate your experience. Plus, the twenty other naked men around you are doing it. Don't be a party pooper.
I know it sounds strange, but they make you carry your mattress to your suite. Every business has their niche I guess. I think they just want your stay to be memorable and interactive.
If you're one of those people who love to crank the A/C when you go to bed, your in luck. They keep it nice and crisp. They even keep a little night light on... All fucking night... OOOPS.
Room service comes surprisingly early, however (I like to sleep in) and I couldn't find the "Do Not Disturb" thingy.
If you just aren't having any luck getting a room here, find one of the managers walking around the city. You'll know them by their local garb. It's a blue uniform with a badge and a gun. Isn't that cute? Just approach one of them and piss on their leg or call them an asshole and moon them. It's sort of a secret handshake... You'll get right in.
Rooms seem cheap at first, but prove rather expensive in the end. Just another service to keep you not coming back.