Found This Classic In My Files : Maypuh Bacon

[NoNiggers]

remember shopping in a supermarket and running into a typical overweight black woman with a huge ass and spandex pants hovering over the meat section. She had two kids with her; one was around 10 and the other an infant, dressed in some dirty t-shirts and jeans. She was ringing the bell furiously to get the butcher. When he came out, she said, "Ah wants me some of the maple bacon that be on sale! You aint got no maple bacon here..." The butcher just looked at her and said, "I'm sorry maam, we must be all out of the maple bacon but you're welcome to buy some of the other Farmer John bacon that's on sale."

Her eyes got huge and she started bobbing her head back and forth and raised her voice, "What? Ah wants the muthafuckin maple bacon, the sign says all Farmer John bacon. I sure likes the maple bacon. Ah wants me some maple bacon!"

The butcher, not wanting to cause a scene told her to wait and he would look in the back and see what he could do.

As she waited, a business man came up to ring the butcher's bell but just before he was able to ring it, she stopped him by blocking his hand and asked him what he was doing.

"I have to pick up a platter that I ordered for an office party, do you mind?"

She was up in his face and really bobbing her head now, "Hell yes I do! He be in the back gettin me muh maple bacon! Now you just back your ass on up and wait a bit! Ah wants that muthafuckin maple bacon!"

Again, not wanting to cause a scene, the business man backed off and waited to the side.

She then proceeded to pace back and forth in her overly tight spandex pants and flip flops talking to her kids, "Yas sir, that muthafucka better bring me muh maple bacon. Sheet. Ah done told him dat ah wants muh maple bacon...." Over and over again. She was clearly getting more and more agitated as time went on.

I secretly hoped that the store didn't have any more maple bacon left just to see her go ballistic and wondered if anyone else watching the scene felt the same way.

Finally, the butcher returned and produced a pound of Farmer John maple bacon and gave it to her. Damn luck, I thought. He said, "Here maam, this is our last package of maple bacon."

"See? I told you that you be holding out that maple bacon in the back for youself! Sheet! Don't be trying no bullsheet on me!"

With that, she took it and left.

Upon checkout, she was only one aisle over and once again, the cause of another outburst.

"What do you mean you won't take my muthafuckin WIC coupon for maple bacon! It says right here for food and this here bes food!"

The cashier rolled her eyes and said, "I'm sorry, maam. WIC coupons are only for food for your infant. Milk, cheese, bread......and not bacon." (WIC is a food-stamp type program in California for minority mothers so they can feed their infants rather than using the welfare money for drugs and alcohol on themselves. I doubt a baby would want to chew on maple bacon)

This time, she was really agitated and not only bobbing her head back and forth but was jiggling her whole massive black body up and down. "Sheet! You all just be bullsheeting me now....put my muthafuckin maple bacon on the muthafuckin coupons!"

By that time, the manager came over and went between them and settled the situation somehow. I'm not sure exactly what happened after that as I was hurriedly rushed through my lane and went out to my car. The manager must have just given it to her for free or something to get rid of her.

This supermarket, being in a black neighborhood, had a big problem with losing so many of their shopping carts so they installed an anti-theft device in the parking lot. For those unfamiliar with this, it's a device that attaches to one of the wheels of the cart that locks up and seizes the wheel of the cart in the event that it leaves the parking lot. I believe it works on some sort of magnet system, I'm not sure. There are bold yellow lines painted in the lot with warnings that the cart will lock up if taken beyond those lines.

As I was heading for the exit in my car, I saw her pushing her cart and heading for one of the yellow lines, trying to push the shopping cart all the way home, completely oblivious to all the warning signs around her. (Many of them even had the warnings posted as graphic cartoons for people who couldn't even read and she didn't even comprehend those!)

I decided to hang back and park with my lights off to watch her.

Sure enough, she approached the yellow line still bitching to her kids about the maple bacon incident when ZAP! The right front wheel of her shopping cart locked up on the yellow line and sent her big fat black body spilling over the front edge of the cart and knocking it and all the contents over the side. Her milk, eggs, bread, and yes...her precious maple bacon all were knocked over and spread out in the parking lot.

It was truly a sight to behold. She looked like a huge black blob encased in spandex lying in the middle of spilled groceries and a shopping cart with her two kids standing over her.

There was a slight moment of silence. An uneasy silence. The kind of silence you feel right before Old Faithful erupts or the Space Shuttle launches. The silence you experience when you know that all hell is about to break loose.

"MUTHAFUCKA!"

"What the hell kind of sheet is this? What the hell is this bullsheet?"

Just then, her 10 year old said, "Momma, all the stuff spilled!"

"NO SHEET, MUTHAFUCKA! GODDAMN DIS BULLSHEET!"

With that, she got up and started to walk back into the store. She didn't bother to pick up any of her groceries or even turn back to make sure that her kids were following her. All I saw was 210 pounds of black ass walking to the store saying, "I'm going to tell them muthafuckas a thing or two...sheet...dey aint heard the end of dis sheet..they better come out here and clean dis sheet up...."

I could just imagine the impending scene in the store.

I considered going back into the store to pretend I was shopping some more just to hear the scene she would make but I had a better idea.

I put my car into drive and slowly drove away from the parking lot, making sure that both my tires ran over her precious maple bacon.

[haywood]

remember shopping in a supermarket and running into a typical overweight black woman with a huge ass and spandex pants hovering over the meat section. She had two kids with her; one was around 10 and the other an infant, dressed in some dirty t-shirts and jeans. She was ringing the bell furiously to get the butcher. When he came out, she said, "Ah wants me some of the maple bacon that be on sale! You aint got no maple bacon here..." The butcher just looked at her and said, "I'm sorry maam, we must be all out of the maple bacon but you're welcome to buy some of the other Farmer John bacon that's on sale."

Her eyes got huge and she started bobbing her head back and forth and raised her voice, "What? Ah wants the muthafuckin maple bacon, the sign says all Farmer John bacon. I sure likes the maple bacon. Ah wants me some maple bacon!"

The butcher, not wanting to cause a scene told her to wait and he would look in the back and see what he could do.

As she waited, a business man came up to ring the butcher's bell but just before he was able to ring it, she stopped him by blocking his hand and asked him what he was doing.

"I have to pick up a platter that I ordered for an office party, do you mind?"

She was up in his face and really bobbing her head now, "Hell yes I do! He be in the back gettin me muh maple bacon! Now you just back your ass on up and wait a bit! Ah wants that muthafuckin maple bacon!"

Again, not wanting to cause a scene, the business man backed off and waited to the side.

She then proceeded to pace back and forth in her overly tight spandex pants and flip flops talking to her kids, "Yas sir, that muthafucka better bring me muh maple bacon. Sheet. Ah done told him dat ah wants muh maple bacon...." Over and over again. She was clearly getting more and more agitated as time went on.

I secretly hoped that the store didn't have any more maple bacon left just to see her go ballistic and wondered if anyone else watching the scene felt the same way.

Finally, the butcher returned and produced a pound of Farmer John maple bacon and gave it to her. Damn luck, I thought. He said, "Here maam, this is our last package of maple bacon."

"See? I told you that you be holding out that maple bacon in the back for youself! Sheet! Don't be trying no bullsheet on me!"

With that, she took it and left.

Upon checkout, she was only one aisle over and once again, the cause of another outburst.

"What do you mean you won't take my muthafuckin WIC coupon for maple bacon! It says right here for food and this here bes food!"

The cashier rolled her eyes and said, "I'm sorry, maam. WIC coupons are only for food for your infant. Milk, cheese, bread......and not bacon." (WIC is a food-stamp type program in California for minority mothers so they can feed their infants rather than using the welfare money for drugs and alcohol on themselves. I doubt a baby would want to chew on maple bacon)

This time, she was really agitated and not only bobbing her head back and forth but was jiggling her whole massive black body up and down. "Sheet! You all just be bullsheeting me now....put my muthafuckin maple bacon on the muthafuckin coupons!"

By that time, the manager came over and went between them and settled the situation somehow. I'm not sure exactly what happened after that as I was hurriedly rushed through my lane and went out to my car. The manager must have just given it to her for free or something to get rid of her.

This supermarket, being in a black neighborhood, had a big problem with losing so many of their shopping carts so they installed an anti-theft device in the parking lot. For those unfamiliar with this, it's a device that attaches to one of the wheels of the cart that locks up and seizes the wheel of the cart in the event that it leaves the parking lot. I believe it works on some sort of magnet system, I'm not sure. There are bold yellow lines painted in the lot with warnings that the cart will lock up if taken beyond those lines.

As I was heading for the exit in my car, I saw her pushing her cart and heading for one of the yellow lines, trying to push the shopping cart all the way home, completely oblivious to all the warning signs around her. (Many of them even had the warnings posted as graphic cartoons for people who couldn't even read and she didn't even comprehend those!)

I decided to hang back and park with my lights off to watch her.

Sure enough, she approached the yellow line still bitching to her kids about the maple bacon incident when ZAP! The right front wheel of her shopping cart locked up on the yellow line and sent her big fat black body spilling over the front edge of the cart and knocking it and all the contents over the side. Her milk, eggs, bread, and yes...her precious maple bacon all were knocked over and spread out in the parking lot.

It was truly a sight to behold. She looked like a huge black blob encased in spandex lying in the middle of spilled groceries and a shopping cart with her two kids standing over her.

There was a slight moment of silence. An uneasy silence. The kind of silence you feel right before Old Faithful erupts or the Space Shuttle launches. The silence you experience when you know that all hell is about to break loose.

"MUTHAFUCKA!"

"What the hell kind of sheet is this? What the hell is this bullsheet?"

Just then, her 10 year old said, "Momma, all the stuff spilled!"

"NO SHEET, MUTHAFUCKA! GODDAMN DIS BULLSHEET!"

With that, she got up and started to walk back into the store. She didn't bother to pick up any of her groceries or even turn back to make sure that her kids were following her. All I saw was 210 pounds of black ass walking to the store saying, "I'm going to tell them muthafuckas a thing or two...sheet...dey aint heard the end of dis sheet..they better come out here and clean dis sheet up...."

I could just imagine the impending scene in the store.

I considered going back into the store to pretend I was shopping some more just to hear the scene she would make but I had a better idea.

I put my car into drive and slowly drove away from the parking lot, making sure that both my tires ran over her precious maple bacon.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That made my MORNING!!

[tweakstick]

I laughed so hard at the end of this story, I think I peed a little.

I believe it works on some sort of magnet system, I'm not sure.

As an electronics/avionics technician with over 35 years experience, I think I can shed to light onto the subject and I'm doing it because you strike me as a somewhat mischievous person. Anyone who likes to induce lot tenderized maypuh bacon monkeyshines must be. This being the case, I'm sure, I'll share this gem with you. Bear with me till the end and you might just have some fun here:

The system uses low frequency radio waves which are actually in the audio range usually starting around 8 Kilohertz. In layman's terms, that's like a high pitched whistle but that whistle is being blown and stopped many times per second at a certain repeatable pattern. Since this pattern is the same and used on all the carts for that store, it can easily be found, recorded and duplicated since it is in the audio spectrum. While I have all the equipment to do it flawlessly (and have done it) it can be done on the cheap with a few basic items and some trial and error.

Since 8 KHz is dead in the center of the human hearing range, all you need to do is record the signal above the cable buried under the yellow line. The easiest way is with a magnetic phone pickup like the kind used on telephone amplifiers and recorders from the 80's. You could also use an old headphone with the magnet & cone removed or even a guitar pickup. Use this as an antenna and use an mp3 recorder to record a minute or so worth of the chirping signal in the parking lot. Save this audio file to your mp3 player or phone. Run this signal into an audio amplifier. An old car amp should do the trick and can easily be powered - at least for a few minutes - with a lithium 12 volt battery pack. Take the output from the amplifier and run it into an old high power speaker coil minus the rest of the speaker. Running the coil connecting wire down your pants leg to your shoe will conceal it so no-one will be the wiser. Remember, the bigger the wire coil and amplifier, the longer the range.

Guess what - you are now a walking chimpout instigation machine able to stop niggers and their carts full of taxpayer funded goodies in their tracks from getting to their Escalades. I don't recommend doing it in the store as the cameras will catch you in short order. It's best no-one figures out how it's happening.

Have fun and do share with the rest of the class if you get video.