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The Root embarked upon a mission to prove our commitment to the “It’s OK to be White” movement by honoring the notable achievements of America’s underwashclothed community. Despite owning more Grammys, Tonys, Oscars and Emmys for the music, art and culture created by Black folks, we tend to ignore the most important aspect of Caucasian contributions—Wypipoing.
What is wypipoing?
Wypipoing is calling oneself a “patriot” while booing Colin Kaepernick’s patriotic efforts to make America great. Wypipoing is calling for “law and order” to silence a protest against out-of-order law enforcement officers. Perhaps the greatest example is when Thomas Jefferson took out his quill pen to explain why life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are God-given rights...
Throughout the year, we asked a diverse panel of wypipologists to nominate the best and whitest people in politics, news, entertainment and overall caucasity. Our slate of electors includes Black people, non-white people, people who don’t shop in Victoria’s Secret’s “nude” section and a few more Black people.
As we always point out that not all white people are not eligible for these accolades. However, if a white person has ever used the phrase “not all white people,” they are probably on our radar. Only wypipo could ever aspire to this high level of caucastic excellence.
Today, we recognize them.
White Tears Award
Jessica Krug: The Ariana Grande of Rachel Dolezals admitted that she was posing as an Afro-Caribbean professor of Black History because her parents were mean to her, giving credence to my African American mothers’ threats to “slap the black off you.”
Karen of the Year
Kylie Jenner: Nearly two years before everyone else found out that Kim Kardashian’s sister not named Khloe bamboozled everyone into believing she was a self-made business mogul, The Root was the first national outlet to call “bullshit” on Forbes’ magazine assertion Kylie Jenner had reached billionaire status...With her broke ass.
Worst New Wypipo
Carole Baskin: The object of Joe Exotic’s ire is an example of people I don’t like just because of the way they look, although I did like her when I heard she fed a white man to a tiger.
Best Wypipo-ing By a Duo or Group
Angry white men: Militias, Proud Boys, Stop the Stealers, Fox News hosts and Clemson football fans had a great year this year, even if they didn’t win a title.
And the winner is: Amys
What happens when a Karen gets super powers?
Does she become Amy Coney Barrett, the first handmaid on the Supreme Court? Or perhaps she becomes a Klobuchar, a milquetoast white woman who I suspect gave Kamala Harris those fake Timberlands (I’m sorry, but I am a Timbs Truther. A “Timber,” if you will. ) Or maybe she could follow in the footsteps of Amy Cooper, who called the cops on the least harmful variety of the American negro—a birdwatching nigga. Does she shrivel up like a white woman on her 30th birthday?
Or does she explode?
All I’m saying is that we are concentrating on Karens when the actual taxonomy of evil white women goes:
Amy
Karen
Elizabeth
Any name that substitutes a vowel for a more complex spelling (ie Haleigh, Cyndie, Karynn, Taelyr, etc.)
Becky
The devil is a white woman named IseDaDiva
Best Supporting Wypipo
Black rappers: Ice Cube, 50 Cent, Lil Wayne and others proved that they weren’t faking when they rapped about the importance of money, cash and/or hoes.
Wypipo of the Year: The Coronavirus
Yes, the coronavirus is wypipo. Think about it: It loves the cold. It is most active during the winter months. It hangs out in bars, dirty bathrooms and at Republican gatherings. It fucks with Tom Hanks but not Samuel L. Jackson. It travels by air. Old people are the most likely candidates. It suppresses votes. And most of all, It disproportionately attacks nonwhite communities.
If we were honest with ourselves and confronted whiteness, we could have eliminated it. Instead, we pretended that it isn’t the biggest threat to our health and safety. Now, it’s affecting our education system, jobs, the healthcare system and the entire economy. But if we really want a healthy country, we are going to have to vaccinate ourselves before it kills us all.
1 Goodman Grey 6:10
